Grownups don't....

I'm halfway (ok 3 months, whatever, I'm still wise) through my first year of my late twenties and there are a few things I have figured out about being a grownup.  I call it Grownups Don't.... 

• Grownups don't flip each other off in traffic.  If I accidentally cut you off, I don't need your middle finger to know I am a dick right now.  I really didn't mean to.  On the flip side, you cutting me off in traffic, I think a yelled "asshole" and a honk of the horn is plenty... we both know you are an asshole, that is enough for me. 
• Grownups don't take baths.  I don't know why!  I don't make the rules, deal with it!
• Grownups don't make vague emo facebook posts then when someone comments "what's wrong" reply, "I don't want to talk about it."
• Grownups don't answer the phone on dates.  Seriously, I'm 2 feet away from you, there is only so long I can "people watch" and pretend to not listen to your conversation.
• Grownups don't use text speak... beyond an ironic "OMG" making fun of people who use text speak. 
• Grownups don't not swear.... I know that was awesome grammar.  Really, what that means is grownups are allowed to say fuck sometimes.  But that didn't flow with the "grownups don't" theme.
• Grownups don't decide they don't like something without trying it... unless there are bell peppers in it because then I don't like it. ;)

Now... here is the thing, the preceding paragraphs are mostly utter bullshit.... You can take baths and still be a grownup, I don't care.  Say LOL if you want to, you can keep your adult card. Really I wrote those as word fillers to make this long enough to post.  Here is the real thing grownups don't do.

GROWNUPS DON'T CUDDLE! Seriously, I have never heard so many guys ask me to "come over and cuddle."  Shut the hell up, grownups don't just cuddle. Grownups cuddle as a prelude to sex, or after sex.  "Hey that was some quality cuddling, I am going to go home now, peace" Said nobody, ever!  So no, I won't come over and "cuddle you"

In that same vein, grownups also don't just "watch a movie".  Picture me on a date, and he with says "hey why don't you come over to my place and watch a movie."  Come On!  "Watch a movie" means "Make out on the couch" and we both know it. I mean, either way the answer is probably no, but lets atleast be real with each other.

Grownups also don't use euphemisms.

Adventures in dating

So... Dating Blows. The end

JK, its been a while since you guys have read something funny from me... my dating life should suffice!

So, I have started "internet dating" which is code for "I work in Urology with all the broken Pee Pee's and go to school at night with all the 40 year old mommies going back to school, so I have no freaking idea where to meet the fellas."  There was one guy my age in a few of my classes in the last few semesters.  We got along, and had a serious discussion about sleeping together (sorry family, don't mean to traumatize you!) vs staying study buddies in order to maintain helping each other get A's... we decided A's were more important... like the serious school nerds we are.  Plus, the fact that we were discussing having sex like a science experiment was a firm check in the "con" column. So... there goes the one single male connection from school, hence resorting to the interwebs.

Lets just talk about the interwebs for a min... there is something about the anonymity of the internet that makes the pervy guys all the pervier.  I am serious, if I get one more unsolicited picture of someones hairy balls, I might just switch teams.

My theory about the internet is it's an accurate sample of the general population, just concentrated. I have found, in my VAST experience, that while there might seem like there is an inordinate amount of the nutsack senders, it just seems that way because on a dating site, a woman has access to all of them. In a bar, there is probably the same ratio of them to normal dudes, just luckily in a bar, you don't run into all of them, so it seems like a higher ratio then it actually is. Once you weed through them, the majority of guys are really looking for the same thing everyone is... someone to connect with on some level.  Whether it be friends, or more, we are all just looking for someone to share something special with. That being said, the search for that special someone has been PAINFUL! Now, I have embraced the concept, and I have been on ALOT of dates and here is the typical transcript.

Me: "Hi its nice to finally meet you!"
Him: "you too"
Me: "so tell me about your job?"
Him: "I like it"
Me:  "Ok, um, tell me about your family"
Him: "they are nice"
Me: "this is going to be a long night" -(that one is usually internal)

Don't get me wrong some of them have been pretty fun.  Its fun to get all ready and interact with new people, flirt and look pretty and have new experiences! I have had a great time and met some awesome guys, just not awesome for me. That fact sucked for a while, especially when I found out a certain someone was engaged.  That moment was like... "shit, I am losing at breaking up!"  And don't lie, you guys know exactly what I am talking about!  We all want to be the winners when it comes to a break up.  Luckily, in light of new information, I not only won the break up, I won at life!

So going forward... I will keep meeting the mens online for the time being.  But more importantly, I will keep rocking out being awesome at being single!  I seriously love being in a relationship, I am not going to lie, I miss being someones girlfriend.  But you know what I love more?  My independence... It would be great to meet someone to connect with, but I want that... I don't NEED that.  That is seriously the most liberating fact.  I get to do and be whoever I want!  I can pick up and move whenever I want, I can apply to any grad school I want, I can quit my job and go to school full time, I can buy scooters and do zumba and cut my hair as short as I want.  Its kind of great.