I have about 8 hours until I am no longer 20-something. In 6 weeks I am leaving the 801 again to return to graduate school. I am no longer only semi-grown up, but instead a full fledged adult. I haven't blogged here in two years. I think it is time to retire this blog.
I was going to write a long sappy blog, about what a journey it has been (it has been), how I have grown-up (I have), and reflect on my twenties. But, I don't want to do that. Because my thirties are going to be my decade and all I want to do is look forward.
Bye bye twenties... you were good to me, I learned alot. Hello thirties... I am so excited to meet you.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Oysters, Caves and Robin Williams
There are two kinds of feelings. (Ok, there are more than two, but for the purposes of this blog there are only two today). The first is that the world is your oyster. By the way, what does that even mean? I mean, I know what it MEANS, but what are they talking about? I assume it has something to do with pearls. But, am I the only one who hears that expression and thinks "I don't want my life to be a disturbingly veiny booger like mollusk."
It doesn't matter anyway, pearls or boogers aside, my world isn't an oyster today. My world is the cave of wonders in Aladdin. Now, stick with me here... its not that much of a stretch.
"Only one may enter!" "Touch nothing but the lamp!"
My life feels like the cave of wonders. I have a goal at the end of the cave. I have to navigate my way to it, with out getting distracted by all the shiny's. There are several paths to take, and most of them would probably lead some place cool, but I need to choose the right one in order to get the lamp at the end. I also have a money hungry asshole monkey sidekick, who may or may not screw everything up at any moment. At this point I am SO close! I mean, it is RIGHT there! I can see it! I just have to hop over a few stones, and climb a hill and I HAVE it. But... Those stones are looking pretty far apart, and it is a pretty damn steep hill. I've navigated my way through all the shiny's to get here, but, this might be the toughest part. And who knows when some asshole is going to throw a wrench into everything and pick up the freaking ruby.
So, I am hopping over the stones, one by one. Good grades... Hop! Volunteer work.... Hop! Interview for a research assistant job... Hop! Good relationships with peers and employers.... Hop, hop! I have a few more stones to jump over, then a hefty trudge up a hill, then I am there! Graduation! Denver! Grad school! But so much is still out of my control. I don't get to decide when and where someone else is going to pocket a ruby and piss off the cave.
So, lets say the trudge up the hill goes perfectly! No one pisses off the cave, and I reach the lamp. Its mine! Sort of... I still need to get out of the stupid cave. I have to navigate my way out, taking the right path, and not getting distracted. And who knows what distractions await me on the way back, I might have missed something really cool on the way in. We all know I have shiny object syndrome, the worst place to have that is in the god damn cave of wonders! And when I do get out of the cave, there is probably going to be a wizard in drag trying to take my hard earned lamp. There is always a wizard in drag.
So, I have all these things in the cave of wonders, all of these decisions to make! And I am the only one allowed in the cave. So, its all on me. Don't get me wrong, I have the monkey, a magic carpet and Robin Williams for support, but I am calling all the shots. So if I make a bonehead move, my support system will be there, but I still am responsible for finding my own way out of the cave.
Moral of the story? It's crunch time folks.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Epiphany Tuesday
I just made that up... but I did have an epiphany today. Not the "heavens open up and angels sing" kind, more like the "way to shoot yourself in the foot" kind. Brace yourselves kids, I am going to write about the ex.
Actually that is a lie, I am not writing about the ex, I am writing about the gym. The thing is, until today, those two things were linked in my mind.
When we first started going out, the gym was our thing. But over the next 2 year, the gym took over our relationship. I have always said, you can only do 3 things 100%. We both had work and school, leaving room for one more thing... I chose him... he chose the gym. So I started to resent the time we spent there. We never saw each other during the week, and Sunday was our homework day, and he never slept over... so we had Friday night, and Saturday. And he wanted to spend 2+ hours at the gym on friday nights. And that was the issue, I think. We couldn't just go and bust it out in an hour... when we went to the gym, we were there for hours, it was never enough. And over the years, the gym and the ex and eventually resentment became linked in my mind.
After a break up, most people hit the gym hard, in order to get hot, in an "eat your heart out, loser, this is what you're missing" kind of way. I couldn't do that. At first, I couldn't go to the gym because I was convinced I would run into him there. When I went, I was on the lookout for him. I spent time trying to anticipate what hours he would be there, and avoided those hours. And I just couldn't bring myself to go, on the off chance I would see him there. The problem was, even after I stopped caring whether I saw him or not, unconsciously I still associated the gym with resentment, in an Ugh, I don't want to go to the gym way. The thing I forgot about though, is I LOVE the gym. I love the way I feel after I work out. Before the ex was a part of my life, I was at the gym all the time, but for ME, not to spend time with him.
Went to the gym today, and for the first time in a long time, it was about me. And it felt GOOD. My arms are jelly and that makes me feel great. The gym is mine again.
Actually that is a lie, I am not writing about the ex, I am writing about the gym. The thing is, until today, those two things were linked in my mind.
When we first started going out, the gym was our thing. But over the next 2 year, the gym took over our relationship. I have always said, you can only do 3 things 100%. We both had work and school, leaving room for one more thing... I chose him... he chose the gym. So I started to resent the time we spent there. We never saw each other during the week, and Sunday was our homework day, and he never slept over... so we had Friday night, and Saturday. And he wanted to spend 2+ hours at the gym on friday nights. And that was the issue, I think. We couldn't just go and bust it out in an hour... when we went to the gym, we were there for hours, it was never enough. And over the years, the gym and the ex and eventually resentment became linked in my mind.
After a break up, most people hit the gym hard, in order to get hot, in an "eat your heart out, loser, this is what you're missing" kind of way. I couldn't do that. At first, I couldn't go to the gym because I was convinced I would run into him there. When I went, I was on the lookout for him. I spent time trying to anticipate what hours he would be there, and avoided those hours. And I just couldn't bring myself to go, on the off chance I would see him there. The problem was, even after I stopped caring whether I saw him or not, unconsciously I still associated the gym with resentment, in an Ugh, I don't want to go to the gym way. The thing I forgot about though, is I LOVE the gym. I love the way I feel after I work out. Before the ex was a part of my life, I was at the gym all the time, but for ME, not to spend time with him.
Went to the gym today, and for the first time in a long time, it was about me. And it felt GOOD. My arms are jelly and that makes me feel great. The gym is mine again.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I do what I want.... veggies!!!
So skinny, I was!!! (Yoda... wait, would yoda say "was I,"? I've never seen star wars)
So... I think at some point I promised to be funny in this blog... This post isn't going to be funny, but its my blog, I make the rules!
I am in a never ending battle with my weight. Now let me explain. It's not one of the mentally unhealthy ones, where I am constantly berating myself and looking in the mirror and hating things... I just really love food. I like myself, I like my body, I like my shape... I just want there to be less of it. I know how to do it, I have done it before, and I am going to do it again.
I will say, it is ALOT easier to eat healthy when I am at home! Since I quit my grown up job, I have probably cut about 1000 calories a day on average! Things are going well, gotta get my ass to the gym though.
I have made the courageous (JK) decition, to not count my veggies towards the total calorie count. I know, I am so brave... jk. I just think the benefits outweigh the calories, and its a pain in the ass to track anyway. I do count fruit though, because sweet = sugar. I also track the shit I put on my veggies to make them taste better. And let me tell you my favorite snack!
Cut up carrots... I don't like the baby carrots...they are wet and juicy in a way carrots shouldnt be... plus buying sticks of carrots and peeling and cutting them yourself is far cheaper.
The money I save on carrots I apply to english cucumber... they are so much better than regular cucumbers.
Grape tomatoes!
Then I make a veggie dip, I got this idea from a co-worker, (thanks Jodi), and have made it my own.
This makes 10 servings...
16 oz lowfat Cottage cheese
10-16 oz (depending on the consistency you like) nonfat sour cream (get the brand with the black and white cow spot design!)
1 packet of ranch mix ( I like hidden valley buttermilk ranch mix)
Dump it all in a tupperware and mix.... tada, veggie dip to make all those fibrous carrots worth it... works out to be about 125 calories per serving, and the protein from the cottage cheese keeps me fuller longer.
I know I know... where is all the funny commentary about dating/boys/work?? I will do that next time. This is important too, and I think I am going to start adding posts like this every so often. We all want to lose a few at some point I think. And "saying" it helps keep me on track, since I refuse to be the "I am so fat" woman, I don't talk about what kind of food choices I make or don't make as a rule. But I am conscious of it, so I am putting it out there that I am officially trying to get healthier. Notice I didn't say lose weight, that is a side effect of being healthy. One of the last patients I had in my office before I quit my job was a 60 year old man, who was on constant oxygen, and the walk from the lobby to my office caused him to become so winded he was wheezing... I don't want to be that man in 30 years.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Ode to 2012/things I suck at
It is the last day of 2012, hell of the year!!! A few gigantic things happened this year, broke up with "the one" and realized he really wasn't the one afterall, changed my major, changed my career path, made some new friends, realized one of my friends is truly family and I am about to gain a niece (or nephew), I quit my job (still doesn't feel that way though... it just occurred to me I would be at work right now otherwise), and I feel like I have really become the woman I want to be. No regrets. Such a good feeling to be totally comfortable with who I am.
This is about the time that most people would list their resolutions, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't believe in new years resolutions... there is nothing to be gained by waiting to do something tomorrow, that could be done today.... (see what I did there, because tomorrow is New Years Day... get it... God I am funny.) But since my mom says that I can't go do anything while my dishwasher is running, I have some time to kill. Instead of the things that I want to improve upon, I will tell you all of the things I have accepted that I suck at.
I SUCK at being organized... everytime I clean my apartment I am like, this time... THIS time this shit is staying clean... fast forward a day and a half I have crap everywhere again! I seriously have NO idea how that happens. I have learned that there are some people who always put things down in the place that they go, and then there are people like me... who put things down where ever I happen to be standing, including the back of the couch and the floor, and rarely is that in the same place twice...
I suck at being on time... Now this is two fold, yes I actually do suck at showing up places at a designated time. "lets meet at 5" in my world always turns into "5:10"... I live my life 10 min behind. On top of that though... I suck at getting ready to be on time. I have no idea how it happens, I can give myself ample time, but seriously every time I am rushing out the door, with perfume spritzes and discarded outfits like a wake behind me. This is what a morning looks like when I am getting ready for work... Wake up, snooze until the last possible second, stand in the shower and then realize I snoozed my standing in the shower time away and quickly get things done. Search the basket full of clothes (that I have inevitably NOT folded when I did laundry) for an outfit throw it in the dryer to remove the wrinkles, with a spare just incase I don't like that outfit. I will then start to get ready, not before getting distracted by facebook on my phone while brushing my teeth. Halfway through roundbrushing my hair I look at the clock and realize I have 10 min to get to work, and begin rushing. Grab my outfit out of the dryer and burn the shit out of myself on the buttons from my pants. At the point I will think about making breakfast/coffee and realize I should have been at work 5 minutes ago and that I also don't like this shirt.... change my shirt while locking the door, run out to my car and wish I would have thought to warm it up... Oh shit... I forgot my cell phone...
I suck at doing laundry
I suck at winking... I look like I am having a stroke if I try to wink my left eye...
I suck at flirting. Oh my GOD I suck at flirting.... How I have ever managed to get boyfriends is beyond me. This is me on a date "Blah blah blah... Obama.... Blah blah... religion... Blah blah... Stereotypical gender roles.... Blah" Oh the date's over? Damnit... where where my moves!
I suck at change. And really at goodbyes...
I suck at living in the moment... This is one I am trying to change though. Its not a New Year's resolution, it is just a resolution. I spend SO much time thinking about school, graduation, grad school, bills, what I want to be when I grow up, that I tend to miss the right now! I am working on that one, any tips on HOW to do that would be appreciated!
Happy New Year guys, I am so grateful for all of you
Hey good timing, my dishwasher is done
This is about the time that most people would list their resolutions, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't believe in new years resolutions... there is nothing to be gained by waiting to do something tomorrow, that could be done today.... (see what I did there, because tomorrow is New Years Day... get it... God I am funny.) But since my mom says that I can't go do anything while my dishwasher is running, I have some time to kill. Instead of the things that I want to improve upon, I will tell you all of the things I have accepted that I suck at.
I SUCK at being organized... everytime I clean my apartment I am like, this time... THIS time this shit is staying clean... fast forward a day and a half I have crap everywhere again! I seriously have NO idea how that happens. I have learned that there are some people who always put things down in the place that they go, and then there are people like me... who put things down where ever I happen to be standing, including the back of the couch and the floor, and rarely is that in the same place twice...
I suck at being on time... Now this is two fold, yes I actually do suck at showing up places at a designated time. "lets meet at 5" in my world always turns into "5:10"... I live my life 10 min behind. On top of that though... I suck at getting ready to be on time. I have no idea how it happens, I can give myself ample time, but seriously every time I am rushing out the door, with perfume spritzes and discarded outfits like a wake behind me. This is what a morning looks like when I am getting ready for work... Wake up, snooze until the last possible second, stand in the shower and then realize I snoozed my standing in the shower time away and quickly get things done. Search the basket full of clothes (that I have inevitably NOT folded when I did laundry) for an outfit throw it in the dryer to remove the wrinkles, with a spare just incase I don't like that outfit. I will then start to get ready, not before getting distracted by facebook on my phone while brushing my teeth. Halfway through roundbrushing my hair I look at the clock and realize I have 10 min to get to work, and begin rushing. Grab my outfit out of the dryer and burn the shit out of myself on the buttons from my pants. At the point I will think about making breakfast/coffee and realize I should have been at work 5 minutes ago and that I also don't like this shirt.... change my shirt while locking the door, run out to my car and wish I would have thought to warm it up... Oh shit... I forgot my cell phone...
I suck at doing laundry
I suck at winking... I look like I am having a stroke if I try to wink my left eye...
I suck at flirting. Oh my GOD I suck at flirting.... How I have ever managed to get boyfriends is beyond me. This is me on a date "Blah blah blah... Obama.... Blah blah... religion... Blah blah... Stereotypical gender roles.... Blah" Oh the date's over? Damnit... where where my moves!
I suck at change. And really at goodbyes...
I suck at living in the moment... This is one I am trying to change though. Its not a New Year's resolution, it is just a resolution. I spend SO much time thinking about school, graduation, grad school, bills, what I want to be when I grow up, that I tend to miss the right now! I am working on that one, any tips on HOW to do that would be appreciated!
Happy New Year guys, I am so grateful for all of you
Hey good timing, my dishwasher is done
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Grownups don't....
I'm halfway (ok 3 months, whatever, I'm still wise) through my first year of my late twenties and there are a few things I have figured out about being a grownup. I call it Grownups Don't....
Now... here is the thing, the preceding paragraphs are mostly utter bullshit.... You can take baths and still be a grownup, I don't care. Say LOL if you want to, you can keep your adult card. Really I wrote those as word fillers to make this long enough to post. Here is the real thing grownups don't do.
GROWNUPS DON'T CUDDLE! Seriously, I have never heard so many guys ask me to "come over and cuddle." Shut the hell up, grownups don't just cuddle. Grownups cuddle as a prelude to sex, or after sex. "Hey that was some quality cuddling, I am going to go home now, peace" Said nobody, ever! So no, I won't come over and "cuddle you"
In that same vein, grownups also don't just "watch a movie". Picture me on a date, and he with says "hey why don't you come over to my place and watch a movie." Come On! "Watch a movie" means "Make out on the couch" and we both know it. I mean, either way the answer is probably no, but lets atleast be real with each other.
Grownups also don't use euphemisms.
- Grownups don't flip each other off in traffic. If I accidentally cut you off, I don't need your middle finger to know I am a dick right now. I really didn't mean to. On the flip side, you cutting me off in traffic, I think a yelled "asshole" and a honk of the horn is plenty... we both know you are an asshole, that is enough for me.
- Grownups don't take baths. I don't know why! I don't make the rules, deal with it!
- Grownups don't make vague emo facebook posts then when someone comments "what's wrong" reply, "I don't want to talk about it."
- Grownups don't answer the phone on dates. Seriously, I'm 2 feet away from you, there is only so long I can "people watch" and pretend to not listen to your conversation.
- Grownups don't use text speak... beyond an ironic "OMG" making fun of people who use text speak.
- Grownups don't not swear.... I know that was awesome grammar. Really, what that means is grownups are allowed to say fuck sometimes. But that didn't flow with the "grownups don't" theme.
- Grownups don't decide they don't like something without trying it... unless there are bell peppers in it because then I don't like it. ;)
Now... here is the thing, the preceding paragraphs are mostly utter bullshit.... You can take baths and still be a grownup, I don't care. Say LOL if you want to, you can keep your adult card. Really I wrote those as word fillers to make this long enough to post. Here is the real thing grownups don't do.
GROWNUPS DON'T CUDDLE! Seriously, I have never heard so many guys ask me to "come over and cuddle." Shut the hell up, grownups don't just cuddle. Grownups cuddle as a prelude to sex, or after sex. "Hey that was some quality cuddling, I am going to go home now, peace" Said nobody, ever! So no, I won't come over and "cuddle you"
In that same vein, grownups also don't just "watch a movie". Picture me on a date, and he with says "hey why don't you come over to my place and watch a movie." Come On! "Watch a movie" means "Make out on the couch" and we both know it. I mean, either way the answer is probably no, but lets atleast be real with each other.
Grownups also don't use euphemisms.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Adventures in dating
So... Dating Blows. The end
JK, its been a while since you guys have read something funny from me... my dating life should suffice!
So, I have started "internet dating" which is code for "I work in Urology with all the broken Pee Pee's and go to school at night with all the 40 year old mommies going back to school, so I have no freaking idea where to meet the fellas." There was one guy my age in a few of my classes in the last few semesters. We got along, and had a serious discussion about sleeping together (sorry family, don't mean to traumatize you!) vs staying study buddies in order to maintain helping each other get A's... we decided A's were more important... like the serious school nerds we are. Plus, the fact that we were discussing having sex like a science experiment was a firm check in the "con" column. So... there goes the one single male connection from school, hence resorting to the interwebs.
Lets just talk about the interwebs for a min... there is something about the anonymity of the internet that makes the pervy guys all the pervier. I am serious, if I get one more unsolicited picture of someones hairy balls, I might just switch teams.
My theory about the internet is it's an accurate sample of the general population, just concentrated. I have found, in my VAST experience, that while there might seem like there is an inordinate amount of the nutsack senders, it just seems that way because on a dating site, a woman has access to all of them. In a bar, there is probably the same ratio of them to normal dudes, just luckily in a bar, you don't run into all of them, so it seems like a higher ratio then it actually is. Once you weed through them, the majority of guys are really looking for the same thing everyone is... someone to connect with on some level. Whether it be friends, or more, we are all just looking for someone to share something special with. That being said, the search for that special someone has been PAINFUL! Now, I have embraced the concept, and I have been on ALOT of dates and here is the typical transcript.
Me: "Hi its nice to finally meet you!"
Him: "you too"
Me: "so tell me about your job?"
Him: "I like it"
Me: "Ok, um, tell me about your family"
Him: "they are nice"
Me: "this is going to be a long night" -(that one is usually internal)
Don't get me wrong some of them have been pretty fun. Its fun to get all ready and interact with new people, flirt and look pretty and have new experiences! I have had a great time and met some awesome guys, just not awesome for me. That fact sucked for a while, especially when I found out a certain someone was engaged. That moment was like... "shit, I am losing at breaking up!" And don't lie, you guys know exactly what I am talking about! We all want to be the winners when it comes to a break up. Luckily, in light of new information, I not only won the break up, I won at life!
So going forward... I will keep meeting the mens online for the time being. But more importantly, I will keep rocking out being awesome at being single! I seriously love being in a relationship, I am not going to lie, I miss being someones girlfriend. But you know what I love more? My independence... It would be great to meet someone to connect with, but I want that... I don't NEED that. That is seriously the most liberating fact. I get to do and be whoever I want! I can pick up and move whenever I want, I can apply to any grad school I want, I can quit my job and go to school full time, I can buy scooters and do zumba and cut my hair as short as I want. Its kind of great.
JK, its been a while since you guys have read something funny from me... my dating life should suffice!
So, I have started "internet dating" which is code for "I work in Urology with all the broken Pee Pee's and go to school at night with all the 40 year old mommies going back to school, so I have no freaking idea where to meet the fellas." There was one guy my age in a few of my classes in the last few semesters. We got along, and had a serious discussion about sleeping together (sorry family, don't mean to traumatize you!) vs staying study buddies in order to maintain helping each other get A's... we decided A's were more important... like the serious school nerds we are. Plus, the fact that we were discussing having sex like a science experiment was a firm check in the "con" column. So... there goes the one single male connection from school, hence resorting to the interwebs.
Lets just talk about the interwebs for a min... there is something about the anonymity of the internet that makes the pervy guys all the pervier. I am serious, if I get one more unsolicited picture of someones hairy balls, I might just switch teams.
My theory about the internet is it's an accurate sample of the general population, just concentrated. I have found, in my VAST experience, that while there might seem like there is an inordinate amount of the nutsack senders, it just seems that way because on a dating site, a woman has access to all of them. In a bar, there is probably the same ratio of them to normal dudes, just luckily in a bar, you don't run into all of them, so it seems like a higher ratio then it actually is. Once you weed through them, the majority of guys are really looking for the same thing everyone is... someone to connect with on some level. Whether it be friends, or more, we are all just looking for someone to share something special with. That being said, the search for that special someone has been PAINFUL! Now, I have embraced the concept, and I have been on ALOT of dates and here is the typical transcript.
Me: "Hi its nice to finally meet you!"
Him: "you too"
Me: "so tell me about your job?"
Him: "I like it"
Me: "Ok, um, tell me about your family"
Him: "they are nice"
Me: "this is going to be a long night" -(that one is usually internal)
Don't get me wrong some of them have been pretty fun. Its fun to get all ready and interact with new people, flirt and look pretty and have new experiences! I have had a great time and met some awesome guys, just not awesome for me. That fact sucked for a while, especially when I found out a certain someone was engaged. That moment was like... "shit, I am losing at breaking up!" And don't lie, you guys know exactly what I am talking about! We all want to be the winners when it comes to a break up. Luckily, in light of new information, I not only won the break up, I won at life!
So going forward... I will keep meeting the mens online for the time being. But more importantly, I will keep rocking out being awesome at being single! I seriously love being in a relationship, I am not going to lie, I miss being someones girlfriend. But you know what I love more? My independence... It would be great to meet someone to connect with, but I want that... I don't NEED that. That is seriously the most liberating fact. I get to do and be whoever I want! I can pick up and move whenever I want, I can apply to any grad school I want, I can quit my job and go to school full time, I can buy scooters and do zumba and cut my hair as short as I want. Its kind of great.
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